We have a great show for you guys. Eight Comedians! Eight! Each one with the potential to make you shoot White Russians out your nose! And you don’t even drink White Russians!! Amazing!!! I’m loving this whole exclamation point thing!!! Am I doing it right?!!!!!
If you were wondering when Caitlin Little was going to get back in front of the lights, stop wondering. Do your breathing exercises, ‘cause she’s back.
Last time she was here Cara Rosellini was a gem. She’s very funny and so comfortable on stage that you get the feeling that she walks around her house all the time talking into her hand as if it were a microphone. (Full disclosure: I do that even when there are people around).
Harris Levinson will be onstage and….where are you going? Oh, to camp out in line so that you can get the best seats? Good idea. Make sure you bring everything you’ll need–vodka, kahlua, half-and-half, sleeping bag.
Aimee Cartier is b-a-c-k. Aimee has more fun on stage than you do in your whole life. Don’t be embarrassed; come on down and live vicariously.
Steffon Moody hasn’t told a joke in so long his mouth has rusted shut. The fire department has lent us their jaws of life so that we can get that party started. He’ll be onstage, in 3-D, and by the end of his set YOU WILL BE EXHAUSTED from laughing so much. Your abdominal muscles will have torn themselves apart, your sides split. Your face muscles will have overheated and melted. When he finally drops the mic you will surely have a smile where your face used to be.
We’re delighted to have Andy Royer back on our garage-door stage. Andy is a natural-born storyteller who pays attention to everything you’re missing as you chaotically steamroll through life. If you throw some popcorn at him and he catches it in his mouth, you win a free glass of water.
But what about the ringers? The professionals? Through an elaborate series of blackmails and a failure of due diligence, both Cory Michaelis and Andrew Rivers have agreed to venture out to our twee little island. Cory performs in clubs all over the place and has opened for Louie Anderson, the fat guy. A teacher by day and comic by night, Mr. Michaelis keeps it relatively clean but edgy enough to keep the audience from feeling like they’re in a classroom. A teacher/comedian! Nice! We should have thought of that!
Our Headliner Andrew Rivers has put over 140,000 miles on his poor car in the last four years driving from one whorehouse to another. Just Kidding! Driving from one comedy club to another. Wow! That’s a lot of shows. Thats a lot of jokes. Thats a lot of driving. Thats a lot of DRIVE. This man (he is a full-grown man even though he looks like a twelve-year-old) is working very very very hard to be very very funny so that he can get paid real money and never ever have to come back to Vashon. We told him Vashon was a big city with lots of television producers and talent scouts, so if you catch his eye make sure to do that framing thing with your thumbs and index fingers like you’re looking through a television camera. He’ll be on Conan soon enough and you’ll be able to tell everybody you saw him when he was twelve.
Your host for the evening is local gadabout Jim Farrell. He will do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable without actually touching you. Did we make Mr. Farrell sign a contract that made it explicitly clear that he is not to tell any stories about cannibalism? YES. Is he sorry about that whole cannibalism thing the last time he hosted? YES. Does he have the authority to waive the $8 cover charge if you let him make out with your wife? NO!
The show starts promptly at 8 p.m. Do everybody a favor and leave your children at home where they can play games and enjoy childhood without being exposed to the profane, difficult, funny, adult art of stand up comedy.